Living...

Dealing...Getting By...this is what I feel.  I feel like I should be moving on from this pain but there are certain times I feel so overwhelmed!  I was wondering why the beginning of April was starting out so bad for me after a really good March.  I was tired, cranky, eating, etc... I then looked through some things and realized Kellan was due to be born on April 6, 2011. 

BAM

I have been warned that some "anniversaries"  will sneak up on you but never thought I would forget when my baby would have been born.  We didn't do anything on the day of the 6th as we are planning on only honoring Nov 24th, when he was actually delivered into my arms.  I have been looking at the pictures that I have of Kellan and it is amazing how small he was.  4 oz and 7 inches long all in tact and looking like a tiny human being.  It is sad as I feel like I am unable to share these photos with my friends as I am scared of what people will think when they see Kellan.  His skin was not the skin color you are used to, it was still transparent and you could see the blood in his body.  The nurses closed his eye lids for me to make it seem as if he was sleeping.  I still carry around the card that was put on the outside of the door to "warn" people coming in and out to know that I was loosing a baby.  It was a leaf with a single raindrop.  Beautiful on its own but meaning so much. 

Happy "1st" Birthday my precious angel! <3