4th times a charm?

Pregnancy -
preg·nan·cy

1.condition of being pregnant: the physical condition of a woman or female animal carrying unborn offspring inside her body, from fertilization to birth
2.instance of being pregnant: an individual occurrence or experience of being pregnant
3.time of carrying unborn offspring: the period during which a woman or female animal carries unborn offspring inside her body, from fertilization to birth
From fertilization to birth...but not always.  Not for my cousins, not for my best friend, not for me... 

This pregnancy came as a surprise as the others due to the fact that we just switched doctors and I was about to go through a bunch of tests to see why pregnancy wasn't happening for me.  #1 thing they wanted me to do was loose weight and start working out.  Ok, I can control that and since I hadn't taken very good care of myself since 11/2010 when we lost Kellan, it was time to start.  1 month later I was pregnant.

I am about to enter week 17 and starting to have anxiety.  I am scared about week 18 when I lost Kellan (18.6), I am scared to go to the ultrasound (08/27) when we are to find out if we are having a boy/girl because what if there is no heartbeat...I still hate that word. 

Please lift us up as this next 2 weeks as they are more a mental fight than anything physical.  I have learned I have no control over what may happen next.  Please also lift up friends/family that are wanting families and for some reason are unable.  All these questions but there may never be the answers we need.

<3 all="all" angels="angels" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" the="the" to="to">

Living...

Dealing...Getting By...this is what I feel.  I feel like I should be moving on from this pain but there are certain times I feel so overwhelmed!  I was wondering why the beginning of April was starting out so bad for me after a really good March.  I was tired, cranky, eating, etc... I then looked through some things and realized Kellan was due to be born on April 6, 2011. 

BAM

I have been warned that some "anniversaries"  will sneak up on you but never thought I would forget when my baby would have been born.  We didn't do anything on the day of the 6th as we are planning on only honoring Nov 24th, when he was actually delivered into my arms.  I have been looking at the pictures that I have of Kellan and it is amazing how small he was.  4 oz and 7 inches long all in tact and looking like a tiny human being.  It is sad as I feel like I am unable to share these photos with my friends as I am scared of what people will think when they see Kellan.  His skin was not the skin color you are used to, it was still transparent and you could see the blood in his body.  The nurses closed his eye lids for me to make it seem as if he was sleeping.  I still carry around the card that was put on the outside of the door to "warn" people coming in and out to know that I was loosing a baby.  It was a leaf with a single raindrop.  Beautiful on its own but meaning so much. 

Happy "1st" Birthday my precious angel! <3

28 lbs in 29 days

Yep, that is my goal this month.  If I look at this weight loss thing as the total number of lbs to loose, I may never make it!  But breaking it down little by little will help. 

January was a good month of starting to move and get my butt in the gym.  Now February will focus on eating and more exercise!  Day 2 and I'm doing well so far!  :-)  The weekend is approaching and that is when I go bad so I'll see how my first challenge is!

BIG GOAL BUT I CAN DO IT!!!

Twist and Turns of Life

You never know where life is going to take you.  9 years ago I was interning for the Gary Railcats, sending out resumes to multiple minor league baseball teams, getting ready to graduate with a minor and major.  Over the last nine years I have had multiple jobs.
-Office Assistant
-Teacher
-Coach (Softball and Volleyball)
-Health Club General Manager
-Autism Aide
-Banquet Hall Server
-Softball Instructor
-Child Care
-Overnight Stocker
-Softball Program Manager
-Real Estate Appraiser
-Mommy  (the most important and fulfilling)

Although I thought after 9 years, a degree, and many years of work experience, I would be farther along in my career, not scraping by.  This sucks!  I didn't even make enough this week to cover my insurance.  I have to PAY my work!
I love my job in real estate but there are so many ups and downs that I am not sure I am going to be able to hold on much longer.  People who I graduated with are making so much more money 2 or 3 times as much!  It hurts!  I see jobs I am qualified for and see the pay I could be making, it is hard.  My job is flexible and I can see my kids more but on the other hand, we need to make money to get where we want to be and we are not there right now.  Why did I go to school and rack up $30,000 of student loans when I could have done this job with an associate.  I know I want to advance and would have to have a bachelors but like I said above, not sure I can hold on that long.
I feel for my husband.  He has seen me through all these jobs and has supported me.  He knows we don't want to just put a band-aid on the problem right now but I need to do something.  He knew what he wanted to do from the time he started college.  I envy people who are like that.  I thought I knew and maybe I still have room for the health care industry but it's time to make a change for our family!  No just getting by, time to suck it up and dive into the career world and do what I have to do.
So the job search has begun.  I am currently getting all my information in to sub in Dekalb County.  Would be kinda weird to work in the same school as Dusty, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  I have also been approached to coach volleyball at the high school.  I loved coaching volleyball.  It was fun, bad part, it is in the busiest time of our lives during the football season.  Pros and Cons...I said if a certain person got the head job, I would come back and coach.  Well she has it...so now it's decision making time.  I would need to depend on many people and sitters and I know Selynda would be flexible if there was a problem but coaching is a different kind of job.  There is no one there to "fill-in" if you or the kiddos are sick.  But it sure would be fun to do something for me and something I love showing up to do everyday! 
<3

Motivation

I currently have lost all my motivation.  I plan to jump back on the wagon tomorrow but currently feel like I have no energy! 

Not sure where my dedication to working hard has gone.  Maybe it was the years of lessons and practice and when I finally was done, I just became lazy?  I want the quick fix and we all know that loosing weight and dieting is a lifestyle change, not just eating healthy for 3 months and then back to the old ways because then I go right back to where I currently am. 

I need someone in my life to hold me accountable.  I think I am going to talk to someone at the gym and tell them I need to be weighed and called or text if I am not there.  I know when someone is counting on me, I am there.  This is weird because I won't just do it for myself but I don't want to disappoint someone else.  That mind set needs to change.  I need to do this for me! 

Another goal this week is LISTENING. I listen but then I always have to say something, whether it is because I think I have an opinion or even I am uncomfortable. I know people just need to talk sometimes and not be judged. My goal over the next few months is just to be there...whether they need someone just to listen or do want advise but I really am going to work on this with people I meet and talk with. Not assume I know what they need but really listen and ask "What do you need from me?" Then really listen. I challenge you do to the same and not jump to conclusions and think you know what is best. Listen to what a family member, friend, or stranger is really saying...
B - Begin with Prayer
L - Listen
E
S
S

The last couple days have been kind of a  challenge for me.  Saturday I met Thayer, a friend of mine from summer softball, baby boy.  1st time I have held a baby boy since Kellan.  I was scared but think I did ok.  No emotion was shown to the moms! :-)  He is a beautiful healthy little boy which I am very grateful for!

Sunday was pretty fun.  We went to the Hix's home for some football and the kids that were there were a 6th grader, Zack....then Brady 4, Ashlyn 2, Hadley 1, and Briggs, Harper, and Finley who were born in Dec 2011.  Whoa babies!!!  Again, I was a little nervous holding Briggs but something came over me as I held him and look at the beautiful miracles from God.  We are blessed with these children that we do have in our lives!  They are MIRACLES!  They bring us joy, even though they may destroy our friends home with toys everywhere, thanks Andrea!!!  The stories that people go through to have these wonderful babies is so hard, but so rewarding in the end!  
Special babies in my life!  Thank you God for allowing these babies into our lives!  There are many more children in our lives but these are true miracles to me!!!
Sarah Boss 15 years
Kimberly Boss 13 years
Addison Faith Marie Behringer18 months
Thayer Joseph 4 months
Briggs Alexander 8 weeks
Harper James 8 weeks
Adilynne Mae 5 weeks

Don't Carpe Diem by Glennon Melton

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."
At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here's what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.

Life...

Wow is life crazy.  Just when you think things are going good, BAM...you get a smack in the face.  My mom has always told me, when you are on the right path, things may be rough but you can handle them...when you drift from that path, things are much harder to deal with.  Now maybe your path is family or work, my path has been God and Family.  I have drifted and come back numerous times as I believe most people have.  Am I perfect? NO! Do I always do what God instructs us to do?  NO! Do I love God? YES!  Do I think God doesn't give us more than we can handle?  Sometimes I question this. 

For 13 months and 23 days, life has been hard for me.  Getting up everyday, working, being mom, being wife.  It has been hard and I have had some set backs in my life I never thought I would deal with.  I have gained 42 lbs in 1 year...42!!!!!  Some people cope by not eating, working out, smoking...nope, not me.  I eat.  Starting in January, I decided to get my life back.  I needed to put myself higher up on the "chain" or I would never be truly happy again.  So working out began, I have been pretty good but had my down days.  Eating has always been the downfall (especially McDonald's Breakfast).  Dieting, not so good at unless there is a meal prepared for me.  When graduating from college I wanted to drop a few pounds and went on Seattle Sutton.  That would be great but can't really justify spending $125 a week on food when we are working on paying off bills! BTW...Down 7.4 lbs!
:-)

There are a few reason why, besides myself I wish to get into shape.  Yes, make myself feel better but others are...
- getting "older"
- Dusty
- wish for another baby

I know Dusty will love me whatever I may look like, but I also wish to feel good about how I look.  Another baby, may downgrade the pain I currently have....Do I think another baby will replace Kellan, not at all, but I think there is a hole that needs to be filled.  The other question came to mind about what if I can't HAVE another baby?  I am completely open to adoption and probably would like siblings if they were available!  My sisters were adopted from China and I love them completely!  Would it be a change, of course, just like any change in our lives. 

I have also learned, that other things in my life that have changed, may not have been about me.  There are more things going on in the world and people living in their own personal hells that we don't know about.  Do I wish I could fix problems, yes, but when I can't fix myself, how am I suppose to help others?  Church...that is my solution!  I went this past Sunday after missing 3 weeks and let me tell you, God smacked Dusty and myself!  We are now going to do what we can.  B.L.E.S.S.

People think of the following verse as a sad verse, but it is actually completely opposite!  It is showing we always have a friend beside us.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. "

Psalm 23:4