Kellan Behringer

Well it has come to the time that I finally tell our story of our Kellan.

It had been an exciting summer. We were living back in Sandwich and life was going pretty well for us. I had trained during the summer for a Sprint Triathlon and was competing on August 22. I was so scared and excited but man was I feeling tired, of course I believed it was all the training. I competed on August 22 and I did it! I swam the best I thought I could and did well in the rest of the competition. I cried at the end as a feeling of such an accomplishment. We had some lunch, enjoyed the time with some friends and family and headed home. The next day life was back to normal. Dusty was back to football/school and I had to start working while having to drop my kiddos off at a babysitter (Grandma but still!). A bitter-sweet-end to a fun summer.

Over the next couple of days I was very tired, I knew that I was "late" but figure it had to do with all the training I was doing. I decided to take a pregnancy test and it was VERY positive...holy crap!

So off to the store I went and bought a big sister shirt for Ashlyn and a new big brother shirt for Brady. When daddy got home from football they were wearing them. I swear Dusty was going to fall over as he always said we were a "table of 4" family. This baby, along with the other 2 were surprises but not unexpected for us.

I first went to the doctors office to have the 8 week check up and they couldn't find the heartbeat. Not very uncommon for being so early but he wanted a ultrasound to double check. They did the ultrasound and found out baby was only measuring 6 weeks. This was pretty unusual for me as my first son was 10lb and daughter was 8'5 and I was pretty sure of the date of conception. Over the next couple months I went through my normal "pregnancy" feelings. Loosing weight because I couldn't keep anything down and ending up the hospital one time for a couple of IV's due to dehydration. I had decided to go to a new doctor which was in Sandwich and felt very comfortable with him. He was very concerned and I had many ultrasounds to double check things.

On November 22 I went in for a normal check-up. I sure was pooped. Sandwich football had just finished and work had been pretty decent. Plus being past that 1st trimester and about to reach the 20 week ultrasound I was pretty excited. I knew I would be scheduling the gender ultrasound when I leave this appointment. Little did I know that my entire life would be turned upside-down that day.

I had a 9:00 appointment. Checked in and got it pretty quick. Dr took a little longer after they did the normal tests. The nurse was having a tough time finding the heartbeat, which always worried me but usually the doctor comes right in and finds it. This day the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. I tried to joke that at least i would get to see baby since it wasn't cooperating with him. I was in the ultrasound pretty quick and the normal happy/smiley tech didn't crack a smile. I knew something was wrong. She went to get the Dr without saying anything. He came in...

"Honey, there is no heartbeat"

These words are burned in my heart/brain/life forever. It took me a second to process and when I did I just wanted to get out of the doctors office. He tried to keep me but I just wanted out, I wanted to find Dusty, I wanted to find my kids. Dusty was in class but I composed myself enough to make it up to his 3rd floor classroom and tell him. He was in just as much shock as me and wanted to know why and what we were to do next. All I knew was the Dr was going to make some calls and call me back.

I left the middle school and tried to call family - Dad, Mom, Nancy - NO ONE would answer! I felt so alone and so confused. I was driving towards my work as I needed to stop by there and let them know I wasn't sure what was going to be happening with my work. On the way, I saw Nicole's car at her shop. Thank God...I went in and told her. It was tough as I felt her baby bump...this was suppose to be one of the happiest times for us. BOTH of us were pregnant at the same time. Well not anymore...her wonderful baby girl was continuing to flourish while my baby boy had been handed over to God before I even got to meet him.

My mom called me back and I told her..she came right over with the kids. It was great to see them and gave me a quick sense of peace. She and the kids went with me to the office and I explained what had occurred. They also were able to get my dad on the phone and I was able to tell him. I also was able to talk to Nancy at this time and call and tell my brother what was going on. We didn't know my next step yet.

From there I went home and sat on my couch. I don't remember much as I think I was in shock. How could my belly which I looked down at, holding my beautiful baby boy, not be what I wanted it to be. I jumped on the computer and searched every possible thing that may have gone wrong. Probably one of the worst things I could have done. I also called my cousin who has gone through something similar very recent. She was a good sounding board. Calls were coming in, texts...I wanted nothing to do with anyone. Leave me alone...Children's called and we were able to set up an appointment but due to Thanksgiving being that week, it wouldn't have been till the following Mon-Tues. Really, I have to walk around like this for a week.

Dusty came home from school and I let him know what the plan was. We picked up the kids and had a night at home. My main Dr called but I had no desire to talk to anyone at this point. I barely slept and when I did wake up the next morning, things were pretty bad. I was a mess, I couldn't imagine having to do this for another week. 8 am another call from the doctor. I told him the plan to wait and he wanted to give us another option. I called Dusty and told him to be ready to go at 10:15 during his lunch time.

Dusty was hesitant as he wanted me to be safe at this point. I have had 2 sections and there were some risks with all of this. Dr said that we could try to induce that afternoon. Despite the risks, I trusted his opinion and waiting I think would have been 100x's times worse. So 4 pm was our appointment at Valley West.

We arrived and had a confirmation ultrasound. It was so hard to see our baby laying there not moving, I tried to stay strong. It was confirmed, there was no heart palpitations. So to the maternity ward we went, 6 pm began induction. Nothing changed at 12am, 6am...I was loosing hope that I would be able to hold my baby boy. 12 pm I finally had dilated to 2...I started to bawl my eyes out, I knew we were going to meet him soon. About 1:55pm I got up to use the restroom and realized something was not right. Kellan was delivered still @ 2:03pm.

I would have to say that I think I should be doing better than I am. I am having some tough days and maybe that is because we have yet to meet the "marker" day - April 29 (due date). 116 days since Tuesday, November 23th when I went to labor and delivery to be induced and deliver our 19 week old child. Over 20 hours later I delivered our little angel at 2:03 pm on Wednesday, November 24, 2010. Weighing just 4 oz and 7 inches long he was perfect in his miniature state with beautiful fingers and toes, and a nose just like daddy. I will be forever grateful for the dignity and respect the nurses there showed me, my family and our little boy. I will always treasure the moments I got to hold Kellan.