Wow, 1 year ago I thought life was tough. My husband's football team had just lost in the semi's and wow, what a season it had been. I have been incredibly ill with baby #3 on the way but just had turned the corner due to the fact of taking some morning sickness pills. What I didn't know was, I was about to begin the hardest time of my life. November 22, I was planning on scheduling my ultra-sound to see if we were going to be welcoming a baby boy or a baby girl. Went to the doctor and they couldn't find the h (still can't say the word) and then in the ultra-sound they found no movement or any h. 9:28 BAM my life was turned upside down. I have been dreading this month. It sure has had some bad times, more than people would ever know how bad it really is.
A shinning point in the month has been the success of the SHS football team. These boys are just 16,17,18 but they do more than just play football. People who have crappy things going on, whether it is learning a loved one has cancer, has died, or lost a job, look forward to getting away from their problems and cheering on these boys. To a high school kid, they may not have a clue how they can do that but it is true, and I am sure there are more examples. Unfortunately the season has ended but the team and my hubby should be so proud. When I was in high school, it was fun to go to a Sandwich football game, and it was great when we won, but I don't know if we ever expected it! Now we do! Orange and Black for life! :)
We are traveling for the holiday and I am nervous about not being in the safety of my own house and being able to escape and breakdown. I am such a strong person on the outside that I don't want people to see me when I hurt or am suffering. Kellan was delivered on November 24th @ 2:03pm. This year, this is Thanksgiving and probably right in the middle of dinner with family we hardly ever see. I know people "will understand" but I don't want to be the downer or make people feel uncomfortable.
The next 53 hours I am dreading. I am told the anticipation up to the first anniversary is almost as, if not more, painful that the actual day of learning you lost a baby. I understand people have gone through this but I can say my arms hurt to hold Kellan again. I WAS able to hold my baby and look into his eyes and hold his hand. People say it may have been better than having something wrong with him, he had the cord around his neck...does that mean he suffered? That probably hurts me the most. Did my baby suffer and I had no clue? I'm sorry little guy, I should have known more.
Here's to November 22. <3
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